And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Randomize
