It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
