no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Drake has all the answers
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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