Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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