Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
