they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
