Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize