i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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