It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
