i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
