that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize