No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
