is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
