i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
