I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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