If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
They took my balls.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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