if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
