Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
