It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
