Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
