I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
