Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
