living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
