It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
