I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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