i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
