im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
