I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
