And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
