Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
