I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
