I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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