I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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