Farmville is her only friend.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Found your dick twin last night
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
