Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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