Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
