I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize