Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
