toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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