They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize