I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize