I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i came on her dog
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
