i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
And then he peed in my hair
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