By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
