Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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