The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
