I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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