I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize