I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just took my morning after pill in the library
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
