My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
