He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
