Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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