If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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