we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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