I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We just shotgunned beers for America
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
